Somethin’ to feed da B.O.R.E.D.O.M

I love this song…
I was thinking of HIM when I was listening to this song. And now I think of my naughty little angels as well whenever I hear this song…
My naughty little angels love this song (and most songs by the same singer). They break into chorus whenever this song was played regardless of what they were doing…
Couple of weeks ago I was pretty upset with SOMEONE and I was listening to this song but the little angels put a smile on my face when they started singing along…while in their towels…so adorable…and what makes it more memorable was when adik and my princess asked why I was so sad…
That caught me off guard since I was trying to masked whatever I was feeling then…
Anger…Disappointment…Unwarranted jealousy…
And Abang suddenly seemed so matured for his age…
I didn’t realised that the three of them were trying to make me feel better…
Kids…My little darlings…I am missing them so terribly…

This song is for HIM and THEM…Those angels…the three little ones and the ‘long monkey’ who are so far from sight but never from my mind…Love you all

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you babe
‘Cause we gonna fight
Oh yes we gonna fight
Believe we gonna fight
We gonna fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you

Nobody wanna see us together

Nobody thought we’d last forever
I feel ‘em hopin’ and prayin’
Things between us don’t get better
Men steady comin’ after you
Women steady comin’ after me

Seem like everybody wanna go for self
And don’t wanna respect boundaries
Tellin’ you all those lies
Just to get on your side

But I must admit there was a couple secrets
I held inside
But just know that I tried
To always apologize
And I’ma have you first always in my heart
To keep you satisfied

Got every right to wanna leave
Got every right to wanna go
Got every right to hit the road
And never talk to me no more
You don’t even have to call
Even check for me at all

Because the way I been actin’ lately
Has been off the wall
Especially toward you
Puttin’ girls before you
And they watchin’ everything I been doin’
Just to hurt you
Most of it just ain’t true
Ain’t true
And they won’t show you
How much of a queen you are to me
And why I love you baby

Oh oh oh oh oh
‘Cause I got you
‘Cause I got you
Oh
‘Cause I got you babe
‘Cause I got you

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you babe
‘Cause we gonna fight
Oh yes we gonna fight
Believe we gonna fight
We gonna fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you babe
‘Cause we gonna fight
Oh yes we gonna fight
Believe we gonna fight

We gonna fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no
‘Cause I got you

It’s so hard to find you
I’m standing right behind you
The streets are much colder
This mean I’m getting older

Why would you? How could I?
These questions lead to goodbye
But now I got my freedom
Don’t I?

I parked my car outside your house
Hope that someday you’ll come home
Seems the woman that I love
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this time
I finally found a way to be alone
I’m terrified to think that I may be losing my mind

Shy girl, so humble
With eyes that make me stumble
Somehow not speaking lets me know everything
I go out, You eat in
Hot from the situation
You’re naked in daylight
Wrap yourself up and goodnight

I’m burning, I’m hungry
Angry cuz she don’t love me
You got me completely
In my own game you beat me

I parked my car outside your house
Hope that someday you’ll come home
Seems the woman that I love
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this time
I finally found a way to be alone
I’m terrified I think that I may be losing my mind

I will be back again
No this is not the end
I’ve fallen hard this time but I not giving in
I want the world to know that I won’t let you forget
The tears that you shed
I’ll make it impossible to let go

I parked my car outside your house
Hope that someday you’ll come home
Seems the woman that I love
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this time
I finally found a way to be alone
I’m terrified to think that I may be losing my mind

I parked my car outside your house
Hope that someday you’ll come home
Seems the woman that I love
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this time
I finally found a place to be alone
I’m terrified to think that I may be losing my mind

You want to sit down and talk face to face?
I already gave you that option but you chose to run away…while backstabbing me by sending a message to him asking him to clarify things with me…
Let me tell you this…I DON"T NEED HIM TO TELL ME ALL THOSE THINGS THAT YOU ASKED HIM TO…that is between US.
The problem is YOU who can’t seem to grasp the meaning of FRIEND/HOUSEMATE and god knows what else you’ve been deluding yourself with….
I know what went on with you and him in the PAST as well as the PRESENT and I am not stupid enough to think that faithfulness is a man’s strong factor but I CHOSE to place a percentage of pure BLIND faith that this might work when you CHOSE TO FUCK OFF FROM HIS LIFE.
So stop all these emo rubbish about the boy is YOURS.
Who’s the past in who’s future right now?
GO…BE RICH…Play around with ‘your’ cars….JUST Leave US alone…

And one more thing…Baby, there’s no such thing as EX-es being FRIENDS especially if some kind of hope from the other party is still there…If you want to be with her, I will take a bow from this stage of hypocrisy. I DO NOT want to be part of this drama. Had enough of my own to settle. Not to mention that I refuse to be cukolded and deluded….but since you’ve appeased me at 5am with the promise that you will talk to her about all these nonsensical stuffs...I AM HOLDING YOU TO IT.

This bloody blog war is fucking ridiculous…You have my bloody number so call me so that we can SIT DOWN AND TALK FACE TO FACE. If my patience runs thin and I do it my way, it will not be pretty and all the pretended innocence of yours will be gone just like pieces of clothings that can be so easily discarded…urgh!

Familiar smells
Familiar sights
Familiar sounds
Familiar smiles…
All the familiarities and yet something is different.
She is not here with me. Both shes.

The last time I was here was after I had finished my A-Levels. It was/is a place for me to seek solace, peace…to mend myself…and this time I am here again for almost the same reason…I was dying slowly and the offer came at an appropriate time but I almost didn’t take it due to obligations and responsibilities that I need to fulfill…

With just coins in my purse, here I am…in another country, another place, another world…almost cut off from the real world and the many realities awaiting when I return to the place that is called HOME…I have been here for almost a week and today is the first since In arrived that I managed to get hold of my world that I’ve left behind through this thing called INTERNET.

No mrts
No proper transportations
No easy access to internet
No nearby amneities

but I loveD it and I am still loving it…everytime…

A cup of tea on the balcony. The mist settling around. Smack in the middle of the mountain with the weather resembling Hobart in spring…I can die happy and penniless here without caring if it is gonna be costly a burial…Simplicity.

I know that I have alot to do and think about…but right now all I want is to make myself well again…and strong. I had enough of ‘fighting’ with a certain hypocritical ‘tudung minah’ …I am sick of all the pretences and the act of being nice…at least I don’t hide behind that piece of clothing and pretend that I am so sweet and demure while exposing…No matter what I still have that self-worth despite the fact that I can be sick in the head at times…Right now I had enough of this stupid shit because I have more shit to clean up and a bigger shit to deal with when I leave my peaceful place…

For the next few weeks, I am going to enjoy my daily doses of Dilmah tea, breathe in the fresh mountain air and get rid of all these pent up angst…

SRI LANKA…DO YOUR MAGIC…

tired
can’t sleep

sick
don’t be so sad?
how not to be?
the first every morning and the last every night…

and suddenly everything changed…in a blink of an eye
through the tears…gone…just like that…
no news…nothing…silence…
dreamlike…unreal…

forced to toughened up…need to free and be free…
need to believe…have faith…
‘How much longer?’…’How many more times?’…seem to be recurring themes…

……………….
Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in

It’s all over me

I’m lying here in the dark

I’m watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You’ve got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up

Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I’m safe
Don’t want to lose the love I’ve found

Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down
It’s not fair how you are

I can’t be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can’t escape the love
Give me everything that you have

& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)

Had this conversation with the sayang earlier and it actually made me stopped to think…

That many of us claimed that we are independent but we are actually NOT. Just because we do our own things here, own a car, live far away from our parents etc, we believe that we are independent and that other people are actually depending on us for what we have which is not even from our own sweat and toil…What about emotional dependency? We need to have people around us, to approve of what we are doing, to appreciate us…which leads to the question of sincerity…how sincere are we in what we do if we expect people to remember us for what we do for them…

What about people who claimed that they have given up on something but you found out that they are still hanging on and around…waiting for that lost love to return to them…There is a fine line between friendship and what is not friendship so please to do not re-blur that line for me…It is crucial that I need to learn how to trust him…and I do not want to be hanging on for no clear reason…You messaging him all the time DO NOT HELP. I do not want to have to tell you to PISS OFF if you have given him up.

There are just to many redundant things bugging me at this moment…I am getting sick of them bothering me all the time…

Dearest ‘Hobartians & Ex-Hobartians’…

First and foremost, I would like to thank each and every individual that has/had and is still contributing to my life learning experiences that I have gained/are still gaining throughout my stay in wonderful Tasmania. Thank you for all the memories, both positive and negative ones…they have undoubtedly contributed make me the person that I am today…

My intention for typing this out is not to target any specific individual but it is just something that I need to get off my chest before I can start my work proper. It has been bugging me the past two days…in both my waking hours and when I am sleeping…and hopefully after this it will stop bugging me and let me concentrate on more IMPORTANT stuffs like getting my research project done before I F off from this place and end my INCOMPLETE journey.

For the records…I have NOT graduated and sadly I am STILL a student of the university with this last unit to complete before I eventually and hopefully graduate at the end of the year unless some other shit (my own doings or otherwise) come up and spoil the plan again. And since I am leaving wonderful Tasmania for good despite the fact that I have NOT graduated, I had/have been busy with getting things packed and sent back home (the amount of crap that I owned is unbelievable-17 bags and boxes…mon dieu!), clearing and cleaning out the house over the weekend and I am now homeless and living out of my suitcase, trying to settle and sort out important things that needs to be done before I depart as well as write a decent research paper which is meant to be for one WHOLE semester in TWO WEEKS. So do excuse me if I forget important things like feed the cat, play around with the birds and bask around in the sun…

I understand that every one has their own problems, irregardless of the size and I am not asking for sympathy or help…I am and have been dealing with them in my own way and even if it is not the best way…I also understand that I may seem snobbish, ungrateful, selfish, bitchy etc etc but I am just trying to do what is best for myself at the moment and I do sincerely apologise if the actions that I take have hurt anyone, close or otherwise. For once…let me finish up my journey proper and let the sacrifeces that my FAMILY has made be worth their every effort. It is hard to make everyone happy and I had been trying to make everybody happy at the expense of my family’s sacrifices and I guess the end result has showed this…Everybody is going back with what they are supposed to obtain except for yours truly. I am grateful that my parents are my parents because if I am in their shoes, I would have told myself to go and fly kite. So do excuse my anti-social and ungrateful behaviour…

I do not want to leave Tasmania angry. And trust me…even if I don’t show it or say it, I do appreciate every thing and every help that I had received. I also believe that one should not expect returns for the kindness that they bestow upon others. I have been silent about alot of things and take most sarcasms, criticisms, gossips etc lightly that I can’t keep it all in anymore…and I am doing my best to be as discreet as possible with what I say here and to choose my words carefully because like I said earlier, I have no intention of hurting anyone…

I have been mentally, emotionally, physically and just plain exhausated especially that last couple of days even if it doesn’t show literally. As much as I hate to type this entry out and having to explain my actions, I needed to do it because I have been too selfish and self-absorbed that I have neglected my responsibility as a friend. It is easy for people to be sarcastic and accuse others of negligence when the better thing to do is to actually ask why people do what they do…always give them the benefit of the doubt…

In conclusion…it has never been in my intention to forget about anyone that I meet in wonderful Tasmania but sometimes plans don’t go accordingly due to unforseen circumstances…I am begging for people to stop torturing me with mental anguish because I might do or say something that may spoil the friendship or relationship and I really don’t want to do that. And once again I apologise if I have hurt anyone here…and I do hope for the best for everyone in their present and future…

Intuition…

Some people said that when a girl is nearing that time of the month, besides being the normal emotional wreck, her intuitions get sharper as well…oh how true…

Every single thing that I am feeling at the moment is being magnified and I need to let some of it out before I commit murder…

If you are giving up…Just give up!!! Stop flirting and makin my bloody life miserable…

And talk about hypocrisy…my god…don’t even let me start on that…Bloody lying bitch!

See my days are cold without you

But I’m hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can’t take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I’m hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can’t take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don’t know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is eating for ya
I can’t stop crying
I don’t know how
I allow you to treat me this way and still i stay

See my days are cold without you
But I’m hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can’t take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I’m hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can’t take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don’t know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I’m home, I’m all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you kno I really love you
I can’t deny
I can’t see how you could bring me to so many tears
after all these years

See my days are cold without you
But I’m hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can’t take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I’m hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can’t take no more
I keep on running back to you
Oohhhhh

I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
what love will make you do
all the things that we accept
be the things that we regret
too all of my ladies (ladies) feel me
c’mon sing wit me
See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me

And I’m weak cause I believe you
And I’m mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain’t never gonna change
(never gonna change, never gonna change) 
See my days are cold without you
But I’m hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can’t take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I’m hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can’t take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up

Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back

I don’t wanna fight anymore…It is just too tiring and exhausting…

I just wanna make memories…good ones…that will last a lifetime…

All I know for now is that my journey still continues with him…For how long…only time can tell…

We are together and will be together until ‘fate’ intervenes…This is the promise we’ve made to each other…

I’m truly sorry if it hurts anyone

I’m sorry if it hurts anyone

day ONE

more to come…